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Faith Through the Fires

We returned from Denver on Friday. My sweet little warrior successfully completed her 15th procedure on June 17, 2015. It was a rough one, and that is putting it lightly. For the 15th time, I carried my little Smileybug back to an OR, saw the fear in her eyes as she knew what was happening, held her tightly as a mask was placed on her sweet face, and sang ‘You Are My Sunshine’ to her as she involuntarily fell asleep. For the 15th time, I kissed that sweet sleeping face, whispered in her ear how much Mommy loved her and walked out, leaving her in the hands of the wonderful nurses and doctors that are working to save her sweet smile and her life. She was back in the OR for over 2 hours. I was a nervous wreck, pacing back and forth, talking Joshua’s head off (Abi’s paternal Great Uncle who I’ve adopted as my brother now), and over analyzing each moment that passed. Most of her procedures take around 1 or 1.5 hours when she is not having a MRI done. The longest procedure up until this last one was 2 hours and 27 minutes. This one took the trophy at 2 hours and 39 minutes. We know there is no set time limit. Dr. Yakes takes as much time as is needed to complete each procedure, but it doesn’t make the seconds go by any faster. Abi woke quickly from the anesthesia this time and was in tremendous pain. My heart was again broken into pieces for my sweet baby. As I tried to calm her, she screamed to me, “Get your hands off of me, Mommy! You let them poke me!”- Total knife to the heart. When Joshua was able to join us, she took right to him. He was able to calm her, get her to eat and get her to agree to a bath. She wasn’t upset with me the entire time but the hour or so that she was, was torture. It occurred to me that I am the “common factor” to each trip and procedure in my 3 year old’s mind. I wish I could explain to her that Mommy doesn’t want her to need “pokes” and that the “pokes” are making her better and most importantly saving her life.

 

The day after her procedure, she woke up screaming that her face hurt and complaining of the extreme swelling. She kept begging me to make the “ouchies” stop and make her face “go down”. She was also having a difficult time eating and drinking due to her lips being so swollen. A few hours, a dose of pain meds and a dose of steroids later, she was more comfortable and doing better.

 

On Friday we were relieved to have a late afternoon flight. Normally we are forced to take an extremely early flight due to the cost but this time we were actually able to sleep in some. It was a nice change. I received a call with some great news which brought great relief as well and Abi was in a great mood. She was even dancing and singing at the gate as we waited for our plane which was great entertainment for the other passengers waiting with us. We boarded the plane on time and were ready for takeoff. As I tried to do a quick post to Abi’s Facebook page and waited until the last minute to turn my phone off, I received news that my husband had been in a car wreck. I didn’t know his condition or any details. As the plane took off I received two text messages with pictures of his totaled car. Then, my cell service cut off. I sat on the plane in a panic for 3 hours. I was finally able to communicate with others via WiFi and Facebook on the plane. Eventually, I was able to message with my husband. I found out most importantly that he was ok other than some neck and back pain. His car was a total loss. The man that pulled out in front of him, causing the accident, was in a new car because just 3 days earlier he had totaled his other car in an accident that was also his fault.¬†On Saturday my husband ended up at the ER. He is doing ok but is in extreme pain now and having trouble walking. This is yet another thing that we will have to take day by day.

 

Today, in the midst of cleaning out my husband’s car, picking up the police report, going to the bank to try and find a way to afford a car payment if it is necessary and picking up some groceries to fill our bare fridge before heading home, I prayed to God for understanding. I know life isn’t perfect for anyone. Everyone has a battle they are fighting in one way or another but I feel like we have been in an all out war for the last 2 years. I told God that He knew our situation. God is my Father and a Father always takes care of His children. There is a purpose in all of this chaos we know as our life right now. There is a purpose in the battle that Abi fights each and every day. I have prayed before that one day God will trust me enough to reveal His purpose to me. But, what if He has already revealed some or all of this purpose to me? Abi is an extremely special, one of a kind little girl. Her spirit has a way of lighting up any room and she has a way of capturing hearts. I can truly see her doing some big things as she grows. I do believe though, that she is already doing some big things at a small age. At 3 years old, she has shown me that no matter what your battle may be, no matter how much pain you may be in, no matter what the situation, you smile. You see the beauty in the world, you love, and you fight the battle with a positive attitude. You don’t give up and you don’t let the negative keep you from seeing the positive in the world. A 3 year old little girl has inspired me to smile through the battle and stay positive. I have occasional rough days but on those days, I lay down and let God carry me through. I have faith that no matter what, God will provide for us and take care of us. When I gave birth to an 8 pound 1 ounce little girl and named her Abigail Faith Haynes, I never imagined that her middle name would be so significant in her story.

 

With Love,

Jessica

"And though she be but little, she is fierce"

“And though she be but little, she is fierce”